i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
