If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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