I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
