Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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