you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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