You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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