Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
