walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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