you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
