so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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