At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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