shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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