does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
