i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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