Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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