Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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