On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Randomize
