I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
