He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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