i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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