I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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