you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
