Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
