Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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