dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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