actually, I'm a sock model
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
