my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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