I just threw up on my dentist
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
