my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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