My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You've changed since you got that strap on
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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