suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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