First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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