Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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