i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
