Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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