You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She made me pour olive oil on her.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
