going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
