The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
