Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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