I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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