Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
