And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
