Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
