dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
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we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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