I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
