fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize