I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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