That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
