this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
high people should be assigned attendants
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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