Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
