So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
