I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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