I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
