We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
