mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
