She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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