I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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